I’m fairly certain that it’s not possible to train a flock of birds to grab a man’s lunch and take off en masse without at least leaving a few bird droppings as evidence. That’s just one reason I’m pretty sure Artificial Intelligence had something to do with it.

It’s fairly easy to spot some of the TV ads that make use of artificial intelligence rather than pay celebrities or professional models for the use of their images and voices. Others are so skillfully done that it’s difficult to be sure. When the person in an ad has a hard outline, eyes or other features are slightly off or a bit too perfect, they seem frozen in place while the background changes, or the perspective seems off, my antenna starts to twitch. I do wonder if the actual living person is sufficiently compensated for the use of his or her image or voice. It’s easy to imagine the havoc AI could wreak during a political campaign. And there is little doubt about AI tampering with those all too real looking wild animals doing typically human things.

I find myself wondering more about the intelligence of the people responsible for the ad than for the reality of the pitch-man or -woman. Do they, for instance, really think we will believe that familiar face has suddenly retreated to its fifteen-years-ago youthful contours and that luxurious head of hair regrown? Have those puffy cheeks, under-eye pouches and flabby waistlines suddenly been reduced to their former youthful sleekness?

I have more than a little trouble accepting so many impossibly white teeth and too much pink gum displayed in those dental insurance and implant ads, as well as the magical transition from alligator hide to satiny smoothness promised by any shower soap or lotion. Reminds me of the promises made many years ago by some radio advertising jingles. Remember, “Brylcreem! a little dab ‘ll do ya! Brylcreem! you’ll look so debonair! Brylcreem! the girls ‘ll all peruse ya! Simply rub a little in your hair!” And how about, “Dream girl, dream girl, beautiful Luster Cream girl. You owe your crowning glory to Luster Cream Shampoo!”

Another thing that bothers me (in more ways than one) are those soft, chiming ring-tones in the backgrounds of so many commercials. They sound way too much like my cell phone bidding for my attention. While I haven’t yet trained myself to totally ignore those chimes, I have managed to dismiss them to the extent that I no longer reach for my phone. They are a distraction, though, and pull my attention away from the TV screen. That isn’t an altogether bad thing, as it saves me from watching commercials that I’ve no interest in. I doubt that I am alone in being directed away from the ads’ messages, and wonder if the makers of those ads realize that, rather than attracting attention, those chimes serve to divert me (or us) from paying attention to the sales pitch.

If all this sounds like I’d just as soon see no commercials at all on TV, it’s not necessarily so. I do recognize that they serve a worthwhile purpose in letting the public know about available new products and services and how to acquire them. My main complaint is that most commercials are far too lengthy, loud and repetitive. They tend to omit information that could possibly make the product less attractive to some. Too often, that lack of information leads to difficulty in returning the product, and subsequently to the customer mistrusting the company for any further purchases – an outcome that could be detrimental to both parties. Aside from the warnings required by FCC regulations (which are recited too rapidly and or printed in too small print) the merits of products and services are generally represented as being too good to be true. Let the buyer beware!

Incidentally, I’ve been asked about my ending sentences with prepositions. John Dryden, a 17th century poet tried to apply Latin rules to the English language and fouled up centuries of grammar students. That rule applies to Latin languages and not to English and other Germanic languages.