If you’ve read this column for more than a few weeks, you must be aware that I blame the advertising community for some of the things that are going wrong in this world. Some of the reasons I do that are strictly personal; things that irritate or offend me. Others are more serious as they have potential to cause problems to humanity in general, to the environment, peace, health or for a number of other reasons. That said, I offer you (with tongue occasionally in cheek) and, in no particular order, a limited list of theoretical awards I would present to some of the worst offenders. The blackmailers: Those who insist that you must call within the next five minutes or during the current program to take advantage of a special offer. That identical offer is made several times in one day, for several days in a row, for months or years at a time. Add to that list the threat that the item may soon be unavailable due to rising production costs or shortages, and you should order two or three just to be safe. Then there is the agonizingly tedious fund-raiser that won’t let you view their regular programs until they have received promises of sufficient donations to fund them until the next opportunity to give in to extortion.

Useless “necessities”; An air cooler that adds moisture to the air – in Iowa? where summer suffering “isn’t the heat, it’s the humidity”? Products to keep your eyeballs and your teeth white. Is there any real reason for white teeth and eyeballs other than fad or vanity? Any harm from continuous use? Can a spray actually replenish (replace) skin after you shave? And why worry about that when we are losing dead skin cells constantly? I suppose we are more pleasant to be around if we smell and look nice, but mankind is the only creature that is determined to avoid looking and smelling like what we are. Some animals practice a form of personal hygiene in an effort to elude predators, but we don’t normally risk that danger. This includes so-called necessities such as cosmetics, shampoo, hair coloring products and wrinkle removers. I am particularly annoyed by being urged to “watch what happens to this woman’s bags under her eyes.” Didn’t anyone, during the production of that commercial, notice how simple it would be to say, “watch what happens to the bags under this woman’s eyes”? It wouldn’t change my opinion of the lack of necessity for the product, but it wouldn’t sound as awkward and irritating. Celebrity theft: Celebrities have enough trouble living near-normal lives and trying to evade the intrusions of overly enthusiastic fans without having their images and voices imitated for the advantage of some advertiser. Artificial intelligence without recompense is a sin if not a crime, and I see far too many examples of celebrity look-alikes to believe that they are all accidental, approved of or paid for in some fashion. Possibly the most crude examples are the Princess Diana clones after her tragic death and commercials featuring women closely resembling Gabby Giffords, after her shooting in 2011. Now, it’s Prince Harry. It’s bad enough when someone profits from just happening to resemble a famous personage, but thoughtless, cruel and reprehensible to deliberately take advantage of disaster.

How to stay off my list of bad advertising; Avoid halftruths and outright lies. Do not create artificial deadlines, urgency, questionable usefulness and necessity. Never use celebrity images, voices or other personal identities without approval and/or compensation. Do not indulge in homemade commercials, especially those that use spouses, favorite employees, best friends, your adorable grandchildren, women with high squeaky voices or (except in rare instances) the boss, inventor of the product or the guy paying for the ad, unless they are experienced and competent public speakers. Too many of the ads I see on TV these days smack of those outdated horse traders and snake-oil salesmen. We have a marvelous medium for informing people of available products and how to conveniently acquire them. Let’s strive to hold the ads to a standard equal to the opportunity.