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X-ACTOnado

Walkin'

As I’m writing this, I have the movie “Geostorm” playing on the television next to me.
It’s a big budget film with lots of visual effects to cover up inane dialogue, an incoherent story arc and poor acting. It’s not so bad that it’s funny like “Sharknado” but it comes close. I especially like the sequence where a young women in a bikini runs through city streets from an extreme ice storm nipping at her bare heels. Visual clues suggest the big freeze is moving several hundred miles an hour– it manages to catch up to a flying jet, for example- yet our hapless, scantily-dressed lass is able to run just a few tantalizing feet ahead of the frosting for several minutes.
The freeze manages to crash the jet on the head of the girl but I can’t tell you how that worked out as an email distracted me with the subject, “tactical pen.” It’s been noted while the pen is mightier than the sword, a switchblade tops a ballpoint in a street fight. But with a tactical pen, the ability to write could outdo the ability to slash or stab in both a literal and figurative sense. So I opened the spam to find a product that “protects you from violent assaults without carrying a gun or expensive martial arts classes.” Besides being a deadly weapon– you can snap off a cap to reveal an X-ACTO blade– the pen also sports a tungsten tip used to break glass for those times you are journaling while driving and accidently flip upside down into a pond.
I’ve never put a car in the water, but I did drop an X-ACTO knife once, an accident that sent me to the emergency room. It happened one day when I was busy doing the paste up of the newspaper. I’ve dropped the knives many times but this time I tried to block it’s fall by sliding my foot under it. This proved to be a tragic mistake as the razor-sharp blade pierced through the top of my canvas sneaker and ended up sticking into a bone in my foot. On the way it must have cut open an artery as my shoe filled up with blood faster than you can say, “Trump won!”
Speaking about the outrageous costs associated with health care in this country: has anyone considered banning pharmaceutical companies from advertising on television? It just does not make sense. The craziest one I’ve seen is for a drug that helps totally blind people sleep at night. Don’t get me wrong, I sympathize with anyone who is blind, especially those who are so totally blind they can’t tell when it is night. But how many of them are watching television to learn about a drug that might help them sleep? A quick search on the Internet turned up an estimated $5 billion is spent a year by drug companies on advertising targeted to users. A lot more is spent getting doctors to prescribe their drug.
Five billion, by the way, is about the same amount of money spent on the 2016 presidential campaign. Coincidence?
There is, or was, a senator who proposed banning drug companies from advertising. His name is Al Franken, who fell on his sword, or was it his tactical pen, when several women accused him of inappropriate behavior. For the record, I found the photos of him copping a feel on a sleeping U.S. soldier were beyond the pale, as was Bill Clinton’s finger shaking proclamation, “I did not have sex with that woman.”
Which brings me to Stephanie Clifford, AKA Stormy Daniels, star of the porn film “Porking with Pride #2.” I’ve never seen it but suspect it was not about bizarre weather storms in a meat packing plant. Ms. Clifford, of course, is also reported to have had an affair with Donald Trump a few years back.
All of which makes me think, I want to produce a movie called “X-ACTOnado” featuring a magnetic storm that sucks up billions of the razor sharp blades and then drops on, well, you pick the target.